Focus

I did badly in my Chemistry. Really badly... I know i am going to fail this time. Everyone was asking me to focus on next subject, don't think too much about it...My roommate, Y, Yoon See and my other friends, all saying the same thing to me. But i still will think of it because i really put in effort this time. I 'm not play play this time... I'm serious. Even though i always online during the exam but i stayed awake until very late to replace back the time i used to surf the Internet. I sacrificed my sleeping time for the exam. Everyday i sleep for 4 to 5 hours only... This is unhealthy. I shouldn't be doing this...

And now... This is what i get. FAIL. This is what i am going to see when i receive my result slip.

Honestly, i can't take any pressure anymore. Especially those from my parents. I don't know how to face them with this kind of result. I don't feel like want to go home at this moment. I'm so stress whenever my sister call to me. How am i going to tell them about this? Or just wait till they receive the result slip from my school? What reaction will i get from them? Sad? Disappointment? Angry? Shaking their head? Saying those harsh words to me? Whatever their reaction , it's hurting me... a lot...

Don't they know i feel sad too? What you all think huh? I purposely fail in my exam? Why should i do this? Why should i playing with my future? Don't push me too hard because i will do thing out of you all expectation. I really mean it. I actually think of commit suicide before this. One day if i really can't take it anymore, this is going to happen.

I hope it is not the end of the day. I will focus in my Mathematics and Physics now. This is what i can do for now. Fail in Chemistry but if i can score good in the other 3 subjects may make a change. Maybe i still can twist back everything. If only i score well in this 3 subjects.

If not, this is the end of my life...

I do love you all

When i am alone, i tend to think a lot. I started to think about my family, my future, my friends, love and many other things ...and become very sentimental.This happened when it comes to night too.Sometimes i even cry to sleep, if there are no one else beside me.Peoples look me as a strong person(i think) but actually i am not that strong as you all see.I cry a lot.

I always feel insecure.Maybe it's because i am the eldest in my family.I am very scare that i may lose my parents one day.I am really scare this thing will happen in my life.I just turn 19 this year.How am i gonna live without them?I can't live without my dad.He is the most important man in my life.I don't want to lose him.I love him so much.I am really scare...How i wish i could have a brother to protect me.I hate being the eldest in the family.If something bad happen,what should i do?And what can i do?I am so miserable now...I hope that day will not comes to me.Although sometimes i talked very rude to them,but deep inside my heart,i love them very much.

Same goes to my grandma and grandpa.I still remember those time when i was in kinder garden, my grandma purposely walked from her house to my school, just to bring me my favourite soup.But that time i was still a kid, don't know anything, don't know how to appreciate her love to me.I didn't even finish the soup and continue to play with other kids.I know how disappointed will she be ...I am so regret now.How i wish i could be given one more chance to fix everything that went wrong, to change my attitude towards them.If i were given one more chance, i swear i won't treat them like that anymore.I swear...But now they are not in this world anymore, it's too late for me to say like that.I really hope that i was a good grandchildren in their eyes.I miss them a lot now...I am regret now.I am feeling bad about what i had done to them in the past.I MISS YOU, MY BELOVED GRANDPA AND GRANDMA...I DO LOVE YOU TWO...I AM SO SORRY...

I felt sorry to my parents too.Last time i told them that i wanted to study those 'rubbish' courses.Then my mum wants me to take pharmacy.I almost argued with her because of this.Finally i gave up and followed what they chose for me.And then they sent me here...I kept blaming on them when i first came here by saying all this is not what i want to do in my life.I knew they did this for my own good.But again i didn't appreciate their love.I always think that they want me to take science courses just because they want to show off in front of the relatives.I know i was wrong now...

I am useless.I failed in my Mathematics.Chinese fail in Mathematics really a shameful thing.I changed my decision again.I told them that i want to take dentistry but my results was not good enough to enter this course.Will it be too late if i start doing revision now?Can i chase back everything i missed before?

This post i actually wanted to type long long time ago but don't have the time to do so.I really miss my grandparents a lot.I admit that sometimes i would forget to think of you two, especially when i am busy with my things.But i knew that, i really love you and miss you a lot...I am scare one day i will forget your faces...I was crying while i am typing all this.

To everyone i know out there, i do love you all a lot.I just seldom show my love out.I do not know how to express my love and my feeling sometimes.

My new blog

Finally, i opened a new blog...

This blog is a private blog which i think no one can read what i wrote here.Deep inside my heart ,i had decided not to let anyone to view this blog.No one are allowed to come here.And this make me feel safe to write whatever i like because it can't see by others.Anything and everything i wrote here will be my true feeling.The real me...Here is the place which i no need to hide my feeling ,say what i want and become myself.

There are too many things i don't want to let others know about...And those things will slowly reveal here.